Our teenage son has been easy to parent. Our 11-year-old daughter is another story. She is intelligent, strong-willed, and often moves our stress levels off the charts. How do we manage the stress that comes with parenting a high-demand child?

Children bring us great joy as well as many challenges. As you know, parenting can be stressful. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent or a working parent, a single parent or a married parent, mother or father, parent of one child or several children, remaining calm and positive can help get you through the day. Below are some proven stress management practices that provide relief from the stress of parenting a challenging child.

Signs of Stress

A sure sign of stress is a shift to the negative. When we are worried, anxious, hurried, or frustrated, our body begins to feel tense and our attitude shifts. This is a natural reaction. Our body is preparing us for flight or fight. Our body has been given the signal to prepare to respond to a threat. If a real physical danger were present, we would be prepared to protect ourselves by attack or retreat. Once the emergency was over, an “all clear signal” would be given and our body would relax and return to its normal state.

Constant mental stress keeps our body in constant tension, which itself becomes a form of stress. Smoldering stress can take a serious toll on any parent.

Proven Stress Reducers

A recent study found that parents tend to suffer more symptoms of stress than non-parents. That’s no surprise to parents! Here are some recommendations to help you avoid the pile-up of stressful parenting.

Take care of yourself. If we put our children above everything else, we can’t meet our own needs. Recently, I (Phil) was talking to a mom who was describing how one of her children was draining her to the point of exhaustion. She described the most recent time and when I asked what she did, she told me that she asked her husband to take over while she took a walk. She felt guilty at first, but realized that if she didn’t take care of herself, she wouldn’t be able to take care of her children.

Research has shown that exercising (even just a walk) can reduce stress and tension. The mom did the right thing for herself and her child. While we see value in meeting our children’s needs, many parents forget to put themselves on the list of people who have needs.

Cultivate a supportive network. Parents today experience less social support than in previous times. The reality is that families now live farther from each other, parents work more, and we have less time and energy to spend cultivating relationships. If you make an effort to reach out to others, you will benefit from the support you receive in return.

Find another dad or mom (like yourself) you can talk with freely—someone who can empathize and encourage you when parenting gets tough. God did not create us to live our lives in isolation. Bev and I have a standing date with another couple every month. We also take advantage of spontaneous times to be together. Inevitably, one of the topics of our discussion has to do with how our kids are doing. We always come away feeling supported and ready for the next round of life after spending time with Tom and Pam.

Learn stress management techniques. Choose practices that fit your situation. Techniques that work will keep you happier, healthier, and help you feel better about parenting.

Probe what you enjoy and what you don’t about parenting. Once you have identified trouble areas, brainstorm strategies to resolve them. And do something you enjoy each day.

Set limits. Talk to your spouse or another parent about setting boundaries for your kids. Some of the areas that are causing you stress may not be your problems. As parents we are good at making our children’s problems our problems. An excellent book on this subject is Boundaries with Kids (Zondervan, 2001), by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Relax your standards. We’re not telling you to let go of your standards. We are suggesting that you work at settling for less than perfect. Around our home we sometimes remind each other that no one is a perfect 10. Super moms and super dads are super stressed.

The serenity prayer says, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Your goal is not to get rid of all stress, but to manage the stress so that you can be a positive parent to your less-than-perfect child. |L

Send your questions about family life to Phil and Bev Haas in care of The Lookout, 8805  Governor’s Hill Drive, Suite 400, Cincinnati, OH 45249, lookout@standardpub.com.We regret that personal replies are not always possible. Phil and Bev Haas are involved in education and family ministry in Cincinnati, Ohio. They are the parents of two children.

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