When my wife’s younger sister got married, my wife gave her sound advice. “The only thing Mom and Dad need to hear from you about your husband,” she said, “is how wonderful he is.” Wise young adults tell their parents only what they need to know.

The need-to-know principle also works well at church, at work, and in life—especially stated like this: Say something bad about another person only when the hearer needs to know it. Say something good about another person at every opportunity. If you want to tell something bad, the burden of proof lies on you to justify speaking out. If you have something good to say, go ahead and speak up, because no such burden of proof exists.

A search for the word “gossip” in the New International Version of the Bible yields 10 results, many of them in the Proverbs. “A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends” (Proverbs 16:28). “The words of a gossip are like choice morsels; they go down to a man’s inmost parts” (Proverbs 18:8; repeated in 26:22). “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down” (Proverbs 26:20).

In the New Testament, the apostle Paul has more to say about gossip than any other writer. In what biblical scholars sometimes call a “vice list,” Paul places gossip alongside such evils as murder, greed, and malice (Romans 1:29-30). Writing to Timothy he contrasts godly widows who live their lives “in good works” with younger, “idle” widows who become “busybodies saying things they shouldn’t” (1 Timothy 5:10, 13, author’s translation). Paul might even make a conscious word play here; the idle widows don’t “work” but “work around,” that is, meddle in other people’s business.

For Paul, minding one’s own business stands out as a virtue. He wrote to the church in Thessalonica, “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody” (1 Thessalonians 4:11, 12).

We should tell things about others only on a need to know basis, but it works the other way around too. As much as possible, we also need to listen only when we have a need to know. Sometimes it helps to ask a friend, “This thing you’re about to tell me—do I really need to hear it?” The friend will often take the hint and choose not to relay the bad news.

Now that I’ve stated the principle, I have to answer the next logical question: “Do you always behave this way yourself?” Sadly, no. But that doesn’t negate the principle. If you believe in the need-to-know principle, maybe you will join me in trying (despite failure) to live up to it. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 15, 2009 - Bringing Christ to French Guiana
November 1, 2009 - Walking the edge
October 18, 2009 - Watch what you say
October 4, 2009 - Proposing a new proverb
September 20, 2009 - Fear and trembling
September 6, 2009 - Elwyn
August 23, 2009 - Where did the Bible go?
August 9, 2009 - The public school: a local mission field
July 26, 2009 - Astonishing the judges
July 12, 2009 - Letting the past go
June 28, 2009 - Line up
June 14, 2009 - The path to spiritual growth
May 31, 2009 - A tribute to one of my heroes
May 17, 2009 - Silent soldier
April 19, 2009 - Operation Resensitization
April 5, 2009 - The temptations of ministers
March 8, 2009 - Conversation over shoes
February 22, 2009 - By their plurals you shall know them
February 8, 2009 - What is missing from your retirement plans?
January 25, 2009 - Turn the page
December 28, 2008 - Abba, Father
December 14, 2008 - Elementary truths
November 30, 2008 - The illusion
October 19, 2008 - Acting like a toddler
October 5, 2008 - Don’t miss this
September 21, 2008 - Foolish schemes
September 7, 2008 - God’s hand is everywhere
August 24, 2008 - The dance
August 10, 2008 - Strange land
July 27, 2008 - God’s amazing grace
July 13, 2008 - A best seller
June 29, 2008 - My grandfather’s clock and worship
June 1, 2008 - Reclaiming the name
May 4, 2008 - God is not our fairy godmother
April 6, 2008 - Success: what is it and who can measure up?
February 10, 2008 - The top three myths of singleness
January 13, 2008 - By invitation only
December 5, 2007 - Yes, Abbie, there is a Jesus
November 18, 2007 - 10 Ways to be a good Christmas customer
October 21, 2007 - The dividing line
September 23, 2007 - What do you fear?
September 9, 2007 - A life well lived
August 26, 2007 - To murmur, or not to murmur
July 29, 2007 - The cross and the Christian
July 15, 2007 - Turning the other cheek: still a valuable biblical principle
July 1, 2007 - Why the tie?
June 3, 2007 - The death of a son
May 6, 2007 - A prayer for the dying
April 8, 2007 - The omnipresent God
March 11, 2007 - Do the Amish have superheroes?
February 11, 2007 - What’s your black history?
January 14, 2007 - The split branch
December 31, 2006 - The house of regret
December 10, 2006 - The redemption of the innkeeper
November 26, 2006 - Too many choices
November 12, 2006 - Break the bashing habit: Learning to love the unsaved like Christ does: November 12, 2006
October 15, 2006 - Be ‘salt and light’ this Christmas!: October 15, 2006
September 17, 2006 - Who is a legalist?: September 17, 2006 Issue 38
July 23, 2006 - God speaks through our brokenness: July 23, 2006 Issue 38
June 25, 2006 - 'What I am looking for in my church leaders'