The sun was setting as I sat cross-legged in my driveway. The peep frogs in the creek nearby chirped their greetings to each other. I thanked God for their rhythmic hum. I cherished these times where I could seek my King’s will. God was unchanging, calming, and beautifully mysterious to me. Even in my frustration I knew the Lord wouldn’t turn away.

However, I always had my own agenda.

“Please God.” I begged. “He’s beautiful, and my best friend. I know he’s not a Christian, but I don’t think I can handle forever wondering what could’ve been.”

I had only to look in Scripture to find God’s warning against yoking ourselves with unbelievers. Every choice I made and standard I lived by was rooted in a God this friend didn’t care to know or understand.

I thought God would grant my prayer request when I met a Christian. It seemed simple enough to me, but I was wrong again. “Please?” I asked. “He’s got a wonderful heart for you and he could do so much for me.”

The Lord has heard similar words from me too many times. It seems I am forever asking, pleading with my King to let this work. The young man of each of these prayers is always the best thing for me in my mind, but then another person comes along. The cycle continues. Only now, at 19, am I beginning to understand.

God is in Heaven, ruling the universe he created, and here I am hoping he might understand why I need it to work with Joe or Bill or whoever it might be. Instead of seeking what God wanted for my life, I only sought his approval of my choices, or at least for him to understand what I thought I needed. Hearing only what I wanted to hear, I would get mixed up with the guy who seemed right at the moment. Each time I came back to my Lord with tears and bitterness.

“Fix it,” I say to my Maker, taking the pieces of my heart to him. Like a good dad comforting a child with a scraped knee, he kissed and healed the wounds. Any scars left behind are meant to remind me that I need to be more careful next time. For a while I become the little girl again, hiding behind my heavenly Father. I shy away from young men attempting to catch my eye and focus on my King again.

However, I am no different than the Old Testament Israelites and their idol worship. I go back to my former ways and a few months down the road I am once again playing the begging game. I ignore the scars of the past. In the midst of what I thought was important, I have managed to forget the unfathomable majesty of the Lord I serve. In my pleas for him to understand me, I quit trying to understand him.

How much I must have hurt the Father when I’ve said his love is not enough, that I want just a little more. Over the years I have chased a dream, a scene in a movie, the flutters that come with young love. Somehow, perhaps in a way I will never understand, my King has broken through. On the latest of warm nights I find myself under a tree, smiling as he whispers to me in the breeze. “Listen, my dear princess. I know you better than you know yourself, and love you deeply regardless of your flaws. Far too long I have watched you chase the temptations of this world. I have wonderful things in store for your life. First you must seek my heart.” I am forever thankful for the Lord’s patience with me. My schemes have been the planning of fools, assuming my way is better than God’s.

I reflect on Romans 8:28. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him.” I understand once again that God is in control and that should be enough. God is God, and I am his beloved. For so long I have told the Lord my plans and dreams, eager for him to make them happen. I must instead give everything, every aspect of my life to him entirely. I must become so deep in search of who he is that I am consumed in his mystery.

Solomon wrote, “Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen rather than to offer the sacrifice of fools, who do not know that they do wrong. Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few” (Ecclesiastes 5:1, 2).

I am looking forward to the nights to come. I will not spend my hour of solitude in begging and worry, but rather in silence and intimacy with God. I need nothing more than to find his heart. |L

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 15, 2009 - Bringing Christ to French Guiana
November 1, 2009 - Walking the edge
October 18, 2009 - Watch what you say
October 4, 2009 - Proposing a new proverb
September 20, 2009 - Fear and trembling
September 6, 2009 - Elwyn
August 23, 2009 - Where did the Bible go?
August 9, 2009 - The public school: a local mission field
July 26, 2009 - Astonishing the judges
July 12, 2009 - Letting the past go
June 28, 2009 - Line up
June 14, 2009 - The path to spiritual growth
May 31, 2009 - A tribute to one of my heroes
May 17, 2009 - Silent soldier
April 19, 2009 - Operation Resensitization
April 5, 2009 - The temptations of ministers
March 8, 2009 - Conversation over shoes
February 22, 2009 - By their plurals you shall know them
February 8, 2009 - What is missing from your retirement plans?
January 25, 2009 - Turn the page
December 28, 2008 - Abba, Father
December 14, 2008 - Elementary truths
November 30, 2008 - The illusion
October 19, 2008 - Acting like a toddler
October 5, 2008 - Don’t miss this
September 7, 2008 - God’s hand is everywhere
August 24, 2008 - The dance
August 10, 2008 - Strange land
July 27, 2008 - God’s amazing grace
July 13, 2008 - A best seller
June 29, 2008 - My grandfather’s clock and worship
June 1, 2008 - Reclaiming the name
May 4, 2008 - God is not our fairy godmother
April 6, 2008 - Success: what is it and who can measure up?
March 9, 2008 - Need to know
February 10, 2008 - The top three myths of singleness
January 13, 2008 - By invitation only
December 5, 2007 - Yes, Abbie, there is a Jesus
November 18, 2007 - 10 Ways to be a good Christmas customer
October 21, 2007 - The dividing line
September 23, 2007 - What do you fear?
September 9, 2007 - A life well lived
August 26, 2007 - To murmur, or not to murmur
July 29, 2007 - The cross and the Christian
July 15, 2007 - Turning the other cheek: still a valuable biblical principle
July 1, 2007 - Why the tie?
June 3, 2007 - The death of a son
May 6, 2007 - A prayer for the dying
April 8, 2007 - The omnipresent God
March 11, 2007 - Do the Amish have superheroes?
February 11, 2007 - What’s your black history?
January 14, 2007 - The split branch
December 31, 2006 - The house of regret
December 10, 2006 - The redemption of the innkeeper
November 26, 2006 - Too many choices
November 12, 2006 - Break the bashing habit: Learning to love the unsaved like Christ does: November 12, 2006
October 15, 2006 - Be ‘salt and light’ this Christmas!: October 15, 2006
September 17, 2006 - Who is a legalist?: September 17, 2006 Issue 38
July 23, 2006 - God speaks through our brokenness: July 23, 2006 Issue 38
June 25, 2006 - 'What I am looking for in my church leaders'