I was certain I was going to die from cancer. I would die as my Auntie Lynn had died 10 years earlier. I would not live to see my 31^st  birthday just as she had not lived past her early 30s. I was convinced not only that would I die, but I would suffer as she had.

My aunt died from a rare form of cancer. The doctors tried to combat it with chemotherapy and a radical surgery that involved the removal of her lower jaw and tongue. It all began when she found a lump in her jaw. Auntie Lynn thought it was an impacted tooth, but it wasn’t. I, too, had a lump below my jawbone, and I knew it wasn’t an impacted tooth.

I tried to ignore it, and I succeeded for a time; yet the fear of dying constantly wafted through my mind. I would find my fingers prodding the mass, mentally measuring its width by the measure of how many of my fingers it consumed. My eyes focused on it daily as I brushed my teeth, as I did my hair, and put on make-up. My heartbeat would increase as the dread became intense. It was growing.

I hid my fears. I didn’t want to face or deal with them. I tipped my head slightly to the left in hopes of concealing the lump. I rested my chin on my hands when I was in conversations with others to camouflage its existence. Fifteen years passed with the enemy constantly invading my thoughts and filling me with trepidation—fifteen years of fear consuming my life while I was too afraid to confront what I feared.

Ultimately, I was forced to confront my fear. The lump no longer resembled a jawbreaker, but now was the size of a golf ball. Tipping my head to the left no longer hid its presence. I was frightened.

The doctor determined the problem originated in my salivary gland. The cause of its growth would remain unknown until it could be removed and a biopsy performed. The operation was set to occur within days, as the doctor felt it was important to remove it quickly. Five days may not seem long, but I was filled with a sense of doom as I waited. I found myself watching my children for hours. I was convinced I wouldn’t see them much longer. Thoughts ran rampant in my mind and the images of what my aunt went through permeated my brain. I would hold my newborn and weep. I asked my husband to remind my children often that I loved them. I was preparing myself for the end.

The day of the operation arrived. The doctor assured me the procedure would take less than an hour. He would have the mass biopsied and the results back by the time I awoke. I would be on my way home by noon, he said. I remember waking up and asking what time it was. The nurse informed me it was about 5:00 pm. I felt confused. I felt panicky. Surely something had gone wrong if I was only now waking up.

My husband entered the recovery room with my children in tow. He caressed my arm and said it was a benign growth. The procedure involved more than the doctor expected, for the mass ended up being close to the size of a baseball. When the doctor surveyed the lump, he was surprised to discover its magnitude. The mass was compressing my throat. He was astounded that I hadn’t encountered swallowing or breathing difficulties.

It has been three years since the mass was removed. My lower jaw is slightly numb from the facial nerves the doctor had to cut to remove the lump, but it doesn’t bother me. I frequently look at my scar and am reminded that many times fears need to be faced. I spent 15 years paralyzed by the what ifs of life and had robbed myself of the happiness of living because I was fearful of dying. Fifteen years wrapped in an illusion of fear. I have learned that often the what ifs of life are not a reality but an illusion, and it’s better to confront what frightens you than to spend time worrying about something that may not exist. |L

OUTLOOK is a forum for responsible Christian writers. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Standard Publishing or The Lookout.

OTHER COLUMNS:
November 15, 2009 - Bringing Christ to French Guiana
November 1, 2009 - Walking the edge
October 18, 2009 - Watch what you say
October 4, 2009 - Proposing a new proverb
September 20, 2009 - Fear and trembling
September 6, 2009 - Elwyn
August 23, 2009 - Where did the Bible go?
August 9, 2009 - The public school: a local mission field
July 26, 2009 - Astonishing the judges
July 12, 2009 - Letting the past go
June 28, 2009 - Line up
June 14, 2009 - The path to spiritual growth
May 31, 2009 - A tribute to one of my heroes
May 17, 2009 - Silent soldier
April 19, 2009 - Operation Resensitization
April 5, 2009 - The temptations of ministers
March 8, 2009 - Conversation over shoes
February 22, 2009 - By their plurals you shall know them
February 8, 2009 - What is missing from your retirement plans?
January 25, 2009 - Turn the page
December 28, 2008 - Abba, Father
December 14, 2008 - Elementary truths
October 19, 2008 - Acting like a toddler
October 5, 2008 - Don’t miss this
September 21, 2008 - Foolish schemes
September 7, 2008 - God’s hand is everywhere
August 24, 2008 - The dance
August 10, 2008 - Strange land
July 27, 2008 - God’s amazing grace
July 13, 2008 - A best seller
June 29, 2008 - My grandfather’s clock and worship
June 1, 2008 - Reclaiming the name
May 4, 2008 - God is not our fairy godmother
April 6, 2008 - Success: what is it and who can measure up?
March 9, 2008 - Need to know
February 10, 2008 - The top three myths of singleness
January 13, 2008 - By invitation only
December 5, 2007 - Yes, Abbie, there is a Jesus
November 18, 2007 - 10 Ways to be a good Christmas customer
October 21, 2007 - The dividing line
September 23, 2007 - What do you fear?
September 9, 2007 - A life well lived
August 26, 2007 - To murmur, or not to murmur
July 29, 2007 - The cross and the Christian
July 15, 2007 - Turning the other cheek: still a valuable biblical principle
July 1, 2007 - Why the tie?
June 3, 2007 - The death of a son
May 6, 2007 - A prayer for the dying
April 8, 2007 - The omnipresent God
March 11, 2007 - Do the Amish have superheroes?
February 11, 2007 - What’s your black history?
January 14, 2007 - The split branch
December 31, 2006 - The house of regret
December 10, 2006 - The redemption of the innkeeper
November 26, 2006 - Too many choices
November 12, 2006 - Break the bashing habit: Learning to love the unsaved like Christ does: November 12, 2006
October 15, 2006 - Be ‘salt and light’ this Christmas!: October 15, 2006
September 17, 2006 - Who is a legalist?: September 17, 2006 Issue 38
July 23, 2006 - God speaks through our brokenness: July 23, 2006 Issue 38
June 25, 2006 - 'What I am looking for in my church leaders'