Nothing in life has hurt me as deeply as my son’s death. His loss left a hole in my life and in my heart that will never be filled.

I didn’t want him to die. I didn’t expect him to die. His death was no one’s fault. No drunk driver. No intruder. No noble cause. In the blink of an eye, he had an accident that took his life immediately and forever from us. Each moment of his death, from the initial phone call to the last sympathy card received, is branded into my memory.

A Deeper Understanding

It is said you don’t truly appreciate your parents until you become one. I never truly appreciated the death of God’s Son until my own son died. God didn’t want sin in the world, but he knew it would enter. Before the creation of the universe, God knew there would be sin and its consequences. God’s Son volunteered to take the punishment for the sin of all mankind. The punishment—death.

God expected his Son to die. Jesus left his heavenly home with his Father to become a man and to die for the sins of the world. Jesus was given a choice. There was a way out if he chose to take it, but he left the choice to God—“If you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42).

I didn’t watch my son die. I wasn’t there. God was present at Calvary. He watched his Son suffer until he could bare it no longer, and darkness covered the land. Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Can you imagine your dying son pleading for your help and you cannot? Had I been there, I could not have saved my son. No one could. God was there with his dying Son. He could have saved him, but for the sake of all mankind, he did not.

There was plenty of blame to be shared for Jesus’ death: Judas, the Sanhedrin, Herod, Pilate, the soldiers. Jesus blamed no one. Instead, he prayed that God would forgive them because they didn’t know what they were doing. My son had no idea he would die June 19, 2004. He didn’t know that carrying a barbed arrow up the basement steps would end his life. He didn’t know what he was doing. Jesus did. Jesus knew he was the human sacrifice for sin. God knew. God knew the death of his Son would save mankind from eternal punishment.

Forever Changed

I don’t know what good may come from the death of my son, but I know my life is forever changed. Because Jesus took our punishment, we will not be punished. Because he lives forever, we will too. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in all who believe and obey him. I know how my son died, but I don’t know why. I do know Jesus died for his sins. I know the Spirit who raised Jesus from the dead will raise him up, also. I know my son will live forever, as will all of us whose lives have been forever changed by God’s love.

A love that allowed his Son to die. A love that allowed him to be tortured. A love that created a world he knew would need saving by the death of his only Son. I can’t think of one person for whom I would have sent him to die. I cannot comprehend the kind of love that would sacrifice one child for another. I cannot grasp the love that sacrificed a perfect, beloved, well pleasing Son for rebellious, sinful children. I have a deeper appreciation for the sacrifice on Calvary, but I will never fully comprehend the love that made it possible. |L

Carol Mansfield is a freelance writer in Reynoldsburg, Ohio.

OUTLOOK is a forum for responsible Christian writers. The views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of Standard Publishing or The Lookout.

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